What if I were to tell you about an insidious being that comes to you in the night and whispers hurtful things to you as you sleep? You’re not fully aware that it’s there, but you’re absorbing the awful messages it delivers to you, which slowly but surely erode your self-esteem and self-worth.
I’ll hazard a guess and say you’d ask me: “How the hell do I get rid of this thing?” You’d probably stay up in the middle of the night, researching ways in which you can trap and exorcise it.
Sadly, that insidious being isn’t something outside of us. It’s our own self-talk.
I’m referring to what psychologists call the ‘inner critic.’
And jokes aside, I’m not asking you to exorcise it. I’m asking you to befriend and silence your inner critic, like I have –a journey that started back in October in the Himalayas.
Inner who?
The inner critic is the voice in our heads that plays off of our greatest anxieties. It’s overly critical and judges and shames us for our perceived mistakes and flaws.
It’s the voice that might say things like:
“You’re never going to achieve that because nothing ever changes.”
“Nobody likes you. You don’t have any friends.”
“You are so ugly now that you’ve aged.”
“The men in your life always leave you.”
It can tell us we’re stupid, deeply flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. It might also taunt us about our past mistakes or make us second guess ourselves as we plan for the future.
It makes us feel anger, anxiety, guilt, regret, and shame.
Why is it useful to know we have one?
Imagine tuning into a radio station that only covered overly negative news, 24/7. Day in, day out you’d listen to the bad news on loop without a break.
How would you feel by the end of one day? One month? One year? Ten years?
This is exactly what it’s like when you have an overly powerful inner critic. Your inner voice provides you with a running commentary of your daily experiences. If it’s continuously negative, you’re going to feel the effects.
Read the following statements and notice how they make you feel: “Well done, you did great today!” “I know you’ve had a rough time of it, but I’m proud of you for persevering,” “You’ve got this,” “This feels difficult, but feelings pass.”
Now read these: “You are such an idiot, what the hell did you say that for?” “Everything is shit and nothing will ever get better so there’s no use in trying,” “You are such a failure.”
Which of the two would you rather tune into?
An unchecked inner critic can be incredibly damaging. One study found that self-blame and rumination following a negative event were linked to an increased risk of mental health problems.
Other negative effects include:
- A lowered ability to see opportunities
- Heightened stress
- Limited thinking (telling yourself – and believing – you can’t do something)
- Perfectionism (and nope, it isn’t a good thing)
- Feelings of depression
It’s important to remember it once served a function
While trying to gently silence my inner critic, one crucial element that helped was to know that it once served a positive function, which was to ensure my survival. For our ancestors in the wilderness, it made sense to be on high alert for predators and the inner critic helped with this process.
Evolution aside, it also once served a personal function during your life and developed as a way to protect you. It was created from your life experiences, which may include social, cultural, and familial influences.
I found that knowing this helped me to be less frustrated when I came up against my inner critic again…
…and again
…and again
…and again.
So, how do we learn to silence the inner critic?
The aim is to eventually soften the volume of your inner critic, while amplifying the volume of your inner nurturer – the compassionate voice that offers you love, support, and comfort. Here are a few suggestions on how you can start to do this.
Keep a thoughts tracker
The first step is to monitor what your inner critic says to you and get to know it better.
For one week, I invite you to monitor your thoughts with a thoughts tracker (I’ve put together a basic one that you can download here).
The idea is to tune into your thoughts and catch the ones that come up repeatedly. The best time to complete the thought record is when you notice a change in how you are feeling. So, let’s say you suddenly feel sad, ask yourself “What was I thinking just then?”
After a week, you’ll have a better idea of the critical thoughts that come up. Look out for patterns – are there certain negative thoughts that you repeat over and over again? These are areas that need extra attention.
Look out for the cognitive distortions
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), cognitive distortions are a habitual way of thinking that are often inaccurate and negatively biased. Most of us have them from time to time, but if they become a habit (which is usually in the form of a loud inner critic) they can lead to poor mental health, anxiety, and depression.
This article lists 10 common cognitive distortions. Take a look and try to label the thoughts in your thoughts tracker. It’s helpful to know which cognitive distortions we use most commonly in order to watch out for them in the future.
Ask yourself “who does this voice resemble?”
When you’re first getting to know your inner critic, it can be useful to think about whether you’ve heard these thoughts before, perhaps from a caregiver or someone else close to you.
The inner critic is made up of all the negative messages we’ve received throughout our lifetime. Sometimes it can help us to separate ourselves from our inner critic (remember, you are not your thoughts) by seeing someone else in the things it says to us. Perhaps it sounds like your over-protective father. Or your toxic boss. Or a judgmental ex partner. Reflect and see if you can label the voice.
Meditate
Meditation is a great way of observing our thoughts without judgment, so I found it can be particularly useful in the process of getting to know and silence our inner critic. Try this guided meditation from Mindful if you’re new to meditation.
Practise self-compassion
This is particularly important when on this journey, especially if you have a particularly loud inner critic that likes to ridicule you or is impatient with you.
It’s good to remember that when the inner critic is particularly loud, it’s trying to ward off some kind of danger. 99.9 per cent of the time it isn’t offering an accurate perception of the situation, so it’s helpful to remind yourself that it once served a function and had positive intentions, but it’s not giving you a reliable witness account of what’s happening right now.
For example: “My inner critic is particularly loud right now. It thinks it’s trying to protect me, but it doesn’t need to because I’m safe.”
Taming the little character in your head that won’t be quiet
Sometimes it helps to give your inner critic a character of its own – a humorous one in particular. By visualising your inner critic, you learn to separate from it, and by giving it a humorous edge it can help to add a bit of often much-needed lightheartedness to the process.
For example, mine is a moody sloth who likes to moan at me in a low tone from the tree in which he lives. Yours can be anything that resonates, from a fluorescent pink scorpion through to a temperamental Rottweiler. Or give it a ridiculous accent, like Donald Duck’s or Homer Simpson’s.
To tame the inner critic when it’s fired up and talking loudly to you, it helps to visualise it as the character you’ve created and see yourself training it like a dog. What command would you give it? Can you visualise telling it to sit (or in my case with the sloth, to say “please go back to sleep”), for example? Then visualise yourself saying thank you and walking away from it.
Like when training a puppy, training an inner critic takes time, compassion, and patience.
Give it permission to share its opinion with this writing exercise
Ultimately, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that your inner critic once served an important function. It was there to protect you. So, give it a bit of airtime with this writing exercise and see what it wants to say to you:
Write a letter to your inner critic, telling it you would like it to tell you whatever it’s thinking/feeling. Then, respond from the perspective of your inner critic, and allow it to explain to you what it is afraid of.
Then, reply and thank your inner critic for its role in trying to keep you safe. Tell it you’ve considered what it has to say, but that you’re safe and it doesn’t need to protect you anymore.
Make the journey yours
While getting to know and silence your inner critic, the key is to pick and choose what resonates for you. On my journey to better mental health, I continuously try different approaches – some work, others don’t. It’s a deeply personal experience so the trick is to try everything and see what works best for you.
Which tips resonated with you? How well do you know your own inner critic?
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist, nor a trained therapist. This advice is based on personal experience and research, and it is no substitute for professional medical intervention and/or therapy.
