“Ma’am, you have discolouration. Would you like to speak to a dermatologist about this?”
These were the words of a beauty therapist as I was trying (in vain) to enjoy a facial a few months ago. To this day, I don’t know what discolouration is, nor have I felt the need to try and find out. I do remember thinking, however, that if I felt particularly vulnerable about my skin, this question could have sent me on a spiral. Thankfully, I don’t, but it did get me thinking – how does one feel more confident and stay sane in a city that seems to be obsessed with appearance?
While the pressure to look a certain way is fairly universal in our ever-interconnected world, it can sometimes feel like there’s even more pressure here in Dubai. Not a day passes when I don’t come face to face with some form of messaging that’s designed to make me feel like I’m somehow not enough.
Whether that be a beautician trying to up-sell, or the endless ads for Botox, hair extensions, butt implants, nail extensions, nose jobs, and face lifts, we are bombarded on a daily basis with messages that are designed to make us feel inadequate.
And don’t get me started on the weight loss ads.
It’s easy to feel less than worthy in a world that seems to be focused on making us feel like we’re deeply flawed. So, here are a few tips that will hopefully help you to feel good about yourself instead – minus the expensive products and procedures.
Remind yourself that ‘they’ want you to feel bad
Let’s just imagine, for a second, that everyone started to feel good about themselves and the way they look, so-called imperfections and all. That the pressure to be ‘perfect’ was lifted, and we were able to be who the hell we wanted to be. That there was no one to play on our insecurities and constantly point out our ‘flaws.’
Imagine that.
In that world, a lot of companies are out of business. Say goodbye to the beauty industry. Say goodbye to the weight loss industry. Say goodbye to the cosmetic surgery industry.
They want you to feel bad, because feeling bad equals a lot of Dirhams.
Become more mindful of how exposure to these kinds of messages make you feel, and remind yourself they’re designed to have that effect and make you buy stuff.
It’s also useful to remind yourself that this never ends. Once you get botox, someone somewhere will start pressuring you to remove your nasal hair. After that, we’ll be onto another problem we don’t actually even have. They play on your insecurities; don’t let them.
Take your focus off media-defined ideals of beauty
Realise that you’re playing a losing game (see above).
I remember when I was a teenager, there was pretty much only one ideal in the media: she was blonde, she was skinny, she was flawless. I’d look through magazines and feel my confidence and self esteem shrink. I was never going to look like the women in the magazine.
I realise now that’s more than okay. I’m not meant to look like anyone else. There’s incredible beauty in diversity. We shouldn’t let the media define what ‘beautiful’ is, rather, we should take that power back and define it for ourselves.
Beauty comes in all colours, all shapes, and all sizes. It comes from self-acceptance and self-compassion, finding your purpose in life, and helping to make the world a better place.
Follow body positive role models like Jameela Jamil, Ashley Graham and Bo Stanley. Filter out anything that you notice makes you feel bad about yourself.
The best thing I ever did, many, many years ago, was to stop buying and reading women’s magazines. I mean, most of those things will preach women’s empowerment on one page, then will advise you on how to get ‘beach body’ ready with a completely shady diet on another.
Choose the content you consume and make sure it makes you feel good about who you are and what you stand for.
Side note: the only way to get beach body ready is to put on a damn sexy swimsuit and head to the beach. Simple.
Focus on how incredible your body is
It’s sad that the very vessel that carries us through this miracle called life (and which is a miracle within itself) can be a source of such misery.
Our bodies perform so many amazing things every single day. Our bodies are the reason we get to witness beautiful sunsets. Our bodies are the reason we get to try delicious food. Our bodies are the reason we get to board a plane and go on adventures.
Our bodies are incredible.
Take a pause and acknowledge the amazing work your body is doing this very second. How it’s doing everything it needs to do to keep you alive and functioning. Acknowledge how incredible your breath is.
And then contemplate this: considering how incredible your body is, should it be the source of hate and despair, or the source of love and gratitude?
Tip: I started appreciating how incredible my body is when I started practising yoga regularly. I remember being in some weird position and thinking how amazing it was that my body was able to do that. If you’re new to yoga, here are posts on how to prepare for your first class and why it’s done wonders for my mental health.
Make healthier comparisons
Research shows that negatively comparing yourself with others can evoke feelings of depression. Truth is, it’s pretty pointless trying to compare what you perceive to be the best parts of other people with your ‘flaws.’
But research also shows we can make healthier comparisons; ones that motivate us to be better people.
Instead of focusing on looks, try and look at people who have deep self worth and traits such as kindness, generosity, and humbleness.
So, think about who you admire and what kinds of comparisons would be healthier for you to make. For example, do you know someone who dedicates time to community work? Or someone who has perhaps set up their own NGO? People who make positive differences in their communities.
Think of who inspires you to live better in ways that matter and focus on them. Use these comparisons positively and think about what little changes you can also make to contribute positively to the world and the causes that matter to you.
Focus on your strengths
We all have unique strengths. Every single one of us. The key to leading a fulfilling life, I feel, is to focus on those strengths and harness them.
Let’s face it, the more we focus on what we perceive are our weaknesses (I hate my nose/I hate how I procrastinate all the time/I hate my lack of public speaking skills etc., etc., etc.) the worse we feel about ourselves, not better.
The VIA Institute has done extensive research on character strengths and has found that when skillfully used, they can help us improve our health, well-being, and relationships, and manage/overcome problems.
Their researchers have found that there are 24 main character strengths, which we all have to varying degrees. Some of these strengths include humility, creativity, and gratitude.
You can find out yours by taking this free test; having this awareness can help you to focus on how to use and cultivate these strengths further.
Aim to be healthy rather than slim/look a certain way
When I was younger, I equated going to the gym and eating a certain way with getting slim. It had absolutely nothing to do with being healthy.
As a result, I put myself through grueling diets, regularly bordered on an eating disorder, and did workouts that I hated.
Sure, I was the slimmest I’ve ever been, but can I say I was healthy? Well, yo-yo dieting and purging your food aren’t things I’d equate with health. Plus, I was absolutely miserable and an anxious mess.
I wish I knew then what I know now. Today, I go to yoga five times a week because it’s what makes me feel grounded, healthy, and peaceful. I don’t go with the aim of looking a certain way, because quite frankly I don’t give a shit about that anymore: I go because I know it does wonders for both my body and mind.
I also eat everything in moderation. If I want to eat a slice of carrot cake, I’ll damn well eat it and enjoy it, no guilt attached. Overall, I eat loads of fresh fruit and veg, barely have processed stuff, but I also enjoy the good things in life (like the aforementioned carrot cake) because food is meant to be joyous.
By focusing on your health rather than your looks (which, let’s face it, is far more important), you’ll approach your diet and exercise in an entirely different way.
Trust me, I know.
Celebrate aging
I always feel incredibly sad when I hear someone say they’re dreading their birthday.
Aging is a privilege.
I’ll say that again because it’s important
Aging is a privilege.
It’s not something that should be dreaded or smudged out with botox and other countless procedures.
I look at every year I spend on this planet as a blessing, and as a result I’ve never dreaded a birthday. I know my 40th is approaching in a few years and it honestly doesn’t bother me.
The beauty industry has taught us that aging is bad because they make money off us that way. If we all suddenly became comfortable with our aging skin, who would they sell their lotions and potions to?
And why fight it? Your skin WILL wrinkle. Your boobs/butt will sag. It’s inevitable, so the sooner we make peace with it, the happier we’ll all be.
Work on your relationship with yourself
It doesn’t matter how great you think you look on the outside – you can have great skin, a great figure, and a seemingly perfect life, but if you’re at war with yourself you’ll never be at peace.
Working on your relationship with yourself will enable you to feel more confident and happier in your own skin.
Here’s a great post on how to start working on the most important relationship you’ll ever have.
Do kind deeds
I firmly believe that the people and energy that we surround ourselves with affect the way we feel about life. And that the more good we do, the better we feel about ourselves and our place in the world. So, instead of focusing on things like appearance, how about exploring what you can do to give back to society or simply to make another person smile?
Not only is doing kind deeds the right thing to do in order to make the world a better place, but it’s also good for us. Research shows that altruism releases endorphins, improves our physical health, makes us more grateful for what we have, and distracts us from our own problems.
You can start small by doing random acts of kindness, such as sending flowers to someone who’s having a rough time, spending more time with your grandparents, or telling your colleague how much you value and appreciate their work. The internet is full of ideas of other acts of kindness that you can try.
You can also look into volunteer work or even offering to be a mentor to a peer who needs your support.
Align with your values
Knowing and living according to your values is a great confidence booster and gives us a sense of purpose. Once I figured mine out, I had a massive “Aha!” moment, because it made me realise why I am feeling a bit despondent at the moment – I’m not honouring all of my values.
Now that I have my values listed out, I am making more of an effort to live my life by them and make decisions accordingly.
Knowing your values is a great way of taking your focus off appearances and turning inwards. It builds on an earlier point of working on your relationship with yourself. This article can help you to get started.
