“I feel like I’ve spent my life running and I want to learn how to stand still and be happy where I am…”
Chasing happiness
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I learnt that the key to happiness was to keep on moving. Anything that felt uncomfortable was to be avoided at all costs and the way to do this was to move on — from that job, that city, that situation.
Of course, at the time I didn’t realise that was what I was doing. That’s the thing with retrospect: sometimes you have to go through something a number of times before the pattern even begins to become a pattern. A pattern that you can recognise.
So that’s what I repeatedly did. When things were less than desirable, I would look to the future. The future: that magical place where everything was rainbows, butterflies, and fulfilled promise. I’d do little to improve the actual here and now and kept my eyes on what was ahead.
I thought of everything in absolute terms. Black or white. Good or bad. If I hated my job, it was clearly time to quit and move on from Dubai.
And while I genuinely have no regrets — the choices I have made to date enabled me to have some of the most incredible adventures — it did come to a point when the pattern was doing more harm than good.
That point was this year.
To move on or not to move on
“I’m not happy being back in Dubai. It’s not the city; it’s me. I’ve moved on from it in some ways and I feel that in many ways it cannot give me what I need.”
This is the script that was in my head a few months ago. And this script was preventing me from living my life in the here and now. I became so hell bent on moving on — on to another adventure — that I stopped being present. I had a goal in mind, both financial and time-related, and that’s all that mattered.
As a result, I became miserable. I turned down invitations under the guise of “I need to save as much as possible.” I lived in a tiny room in a flat share even though what I really craved was my own space.
It was around this time that my therapist diagnosed me with recurrent mild to moderate depression.
That’s when I realised something had to change.
I remembered back to why I had started therapy in the first place. The quote that I opened this post with is actually one of the first things that I said to my therapist.
I realised that until I learnt to find peace in the current moment: to cultivate moments of joy for myself wherever I could, even in the most difficult of times, that I’d continue to look to the future. That I’d carry on ‘running.’ And that while I continued to look to the future, I was missing out on everything that the present was offering.
Hell, maybe I was even missing out on the answers I was looking for because I was too focused on far ahead instead of what was directly under my nose.
Tying myself down
This is what led me to decide to settle down in Dubai for now. Getting a lease was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in a long time, as it felt like a huge commitment.
Yes, it’s only a year. And yes, that seems like a long time to be ‘locked’ into one place when you’ve been living ‘free’ for almost six years.
So here I am. Nothing much has changed about my situation. I still long to find a career that I am passionate about, to be in a role that is making a difference to the world in some way. I feel like until I can figure out what route I can take my career in in order to be true to my values of altruism and making a difference, I won’t feel content.
Does that mean I cannot be happy in the here and now? No. Absolutely not.
So I’m learning to cultivate pools of happiness and contentment in the present while I figure it all out instead of saying sod this and moving on. I realised that moving away doesn’t solve anything at all. Your woes and worries follow you. The distraction of being in a new place may keep them dormant for a while, but they creep back up the minute things become routine again.
The answer lies in the here and now
So how am I doing all of this?
For one, I’m focusing on my hobbies more than ever. I’m making the most of my spare time by going to yoga, drawing, reading, and working on new projects.
This blog is a big part of this process.
One of the main issues, I’ve realised, is that I’m frustrated I’m not doing something I love as a career. It’s not that I no longer love writing or that I don’t enjoy aspects of my current role. It’s just not enough anymore. And that frustrates me, but the answer isn’t to run.
So instead, I’ve stayed put and started focusing on doing more of the things that I love for now in the hope that, somehow, eventually I’ll find myself on the right path. Another thing I’ve started to do is to look for the positives in my current job role, as well as ways in which to grow within what I’m already doing.
And guess what? It’s been about two months since I decided to shift my attitude and I can tell you that I am feeling much better. Sure, I haven’t solved the questions surrounding my career yet, and I also haven’t figured out where I want to live/what I want to do with the rest of my life, but at least I am living my life in the here and now more as opposed to focusing solely on what lies ahead. And that within itself has made me immensely happier.
How do find happiness in the present:
- Be grateful. Keeping a gratitude journal and listing out specific things you’re thankful for can really help with this process. And surprisingly, it’s the things that we take for granted the most — running water, electricity, the ‘I love you’ you got via Messenger from your mum — that turn out to be the ones that we can feel the deepest sense of gratitude for.
- Think of the things that bring you deep joy — drawing, Skyping with family members, practising yoga, running, travelling, hiking, photography — and aim to do more of them. Make them a priority above all else. Sounds simplistic but it really makes a difference.
- Think of your values and then think of ways in which you can live in line with them more. For example, if your job isn’t particularly fulfilling and one of your values is learning, you can speak with your manager about attending workshops or courses. If you’re unsure about what your values are, take a look at this list and pick out the ten that stand out for you the most.
- Remember: while happiness is obviously a great emotion, it’s only one of a wide spectrum of emotions. We’ll feel sad, we’ll feel angry, we’ll feel indifferent. Know that it’s all part and parcel of being human and learn to accept the so called negative emotions, too. They don’t mean you’re failing in some way: they simply mean you’re alive.
